Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
pray to the hookup gods
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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