Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
