I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
