he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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