i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
