She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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