Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
