Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
