I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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