is your mom at the bar?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Randomize
