Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize