When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
