don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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