I just saw a hot homeless man
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
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do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.