Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
