nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
