I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
