nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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