omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
