My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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