my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
