i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
