true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
