That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
