the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
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Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
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Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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