Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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