I just threw up on my dentist
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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