he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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