I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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