at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
