I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
