my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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