when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
no you cant smoke seaweed
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
