Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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