Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
