So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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