just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
