Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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