Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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