I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
