my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
