it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
