Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
