Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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