Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
