Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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