Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
