i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
