I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
