he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
