Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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