I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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