this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
