i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
