You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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