watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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