Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
